Episode #1

EPISODE #1

OPENS WITH CAPTAIN FRANK COSTELLO ON THE PHONE WITH HIS BOSS, CHIEF KEVIN CARVER. COSTELLO IS BEING ADVISED THAT A FEMALE RECRUIT, FRESH OUT OF THE FIRE ACADEMY, WILL BE ASSIGNED TO HIS STATION. HAVING WOMEN IN A FIRE STATION IS NOT UNUSUAL, HOWEVER BECAUSE OF THE LIVING ARRANGEMENTS AND THE LACK OF FUNDS TO CONVERT THE DUECE TO TODAYS STANDARDS, A WOMAN HAS NEVER BEEN ASSIGNED TO THE DUECE.

COSTELLO ANSWERS THE PHONE: “COSTELLO”.
CARVER: “HEY FRANK, HOW ARE THINGS AT THE DUECE TODAY?”

COSTELLO: “HELLO CHIEF. NO PROBLEMS HERE. YOU KNOW US, WE NEVER COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING, OTHER THAN THE PAY, WORKING CONDITIONS, BEING SHORTHANDED, LIVING IN A BUILDING OLDER THAN JIMMY CARTER, AND WORKING IN A WAR ZONE, EVERYTHING IS GREAT. SO WHY DO I DESERVE HEARING FROM YOU TODAY? ANOTHER COMPLAINT ON ONE OF MY OFFICERS? ARE YOU TRANSFERRING ME BACK TO HUMANITY?”

CARVER: “NOW FRANK, I’M CALLING WITH GOOD NEWS”

COSTELLO: “THE MAYOR’S BEEN INDICTED?”

CARVER: “BETTER THAN THAT, I’VE BEEN ABLE TO GET YOU AN ADDITIONAL OFFICER.”

COSTELLO: “SO I WILL ONLY BE ONE OFFICER SHORT? OKAY THAT SOUNDS GREAT, BUT I KNOW YOU, WHO IS THE REJECT? EASON, THE KNOW-IT-ALL FROM THE 22ND? SURRENCY, THE PRACTICAL JOKER FROM THE 51ST? I DON’T WANT SOMEBODY ELSE’S THROWAWAY.”

CARVER: “ FRANK, YOU KNOW WE HAD 23 GRADUATE TUESDAY NIGHT, YOU ARE GETTING THE TOP OFFICER FROM THAT CLASS.”

AT THIS TIME, COSTELLO HEARS HIS OFFICERS WHOOPING IT UP AS HIS DAUGHTER, MARIA, ENTERS HIS OFFICE. MARIA, WHO IS DRESSED SOMEWHAT SCANTILY YET CLASSY, WALKS OVER AND GIVES FRANK A KISS ON HIS CHEEK, FRANK MOTIONS FOR HER TO SIT DOWN AS HE ALSO MAKES HAND GESTURES SHOWING HIS DISPLEASURE REGARDING THE PHONE CALL.

COSTELLO: “CHIEF YOU KNOW WE’RE TOO BUSY AT THIS STATION TO RE-TRAIN AN OFFICER WHERE THE ACADEMY FILLS THEIR HEADS WITH KNOWLEDGE THEY’LL NEVER USE IN THE REAL WORLD. KEVIN, DON’T DO THIS TO ME. LET STATION 12 HAVE THE ROOKIE AND GIVE ME BOOKER, THEY ONLY GET ABOUT 1-2 RUNS A DAY. WE GET 5-10 A DAY. ”

CARVER: “SORRY FRANK, THIS IS COMING FROM THE MAN HIMSELF. I CAN’T HELP YOU FIGHT THIS ONE. EXPECT CHARLIE MARTIN TO SHOW UP TODAY AFTER COMPLETING ALL THE PAPERWORK AT H.Q. OH YEAH, ONE MORE THING, COUNCIL PRESIDENT MARTIN IS CHARLIE’S UNCLE. BE CAREFUL WITH MARTIN, I DON’T WANT TO RECEIVE CALLS FROM THE MAN THAT MARTIN IS NOT HAPPY. GOTTA GO NOW, FRANK. BYE”

COSTELLO: “CHIEF, CHIEF…. PHONE GOES DEAD.

COSTELLO SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN, “THAT MAN HAS OATMEAL FOR BRAINS, UGH!
SORRY MARIA, HOW ARE YOU?”

MARIA: “I’M OKAY DADDY, CONSIDERING I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO BUY ANY NEW CLOTHES FOR WEEKS NOW. LOOK AT ME DADDY, I’M WEARING LAST MONTH’S STYLES. AT SCHOOL TODAY I CAUGHT A GUY NOT STARING AT ME!”

COSTELLO: “MAYBE HE’S GAY?”

MARIA: “DADDY, EVEN GAY GUYS STARE AT ME. I DON’T HAVE ANY SHOPPING MONEY AND MOM WON’T GIVE ME ANYMORE. CAN YOU HELP ME DADDY? PLEASE?”

COSTELLO: “I GIVE YOUR MOTHER SO MUCH MONEY, PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS ASKED HER TO PERSONALLY BAIL OUT GENERAL MOTORS! SHE COULD BUY YOU A NEW OUTFIT AT GUCCI EVERYDAY AND STILL HAVE PLENTY LEFT OVER!

(COSTELLO REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND HANDS MARIA SOME MONEY)

MARIA: “OH THANK YOU DADDY. BY THE WAY, NEXT SEMESTER’S TUITION IS DUE BY FRIDAY.”

QUARLES ENTERS THE ROOM

QUARLES: “ HELLO MARIA. CAPTAIN, I DON’T MEAN TO INTERUPT, BUT I’M GETTING READY TO MAKE LUNCH. CHICKEN OR BEEF BURRITOS FOR YOU?”

COSTELLO: “CAN’T YOU MAKE ANYTHING OTHER THAN MEXICAN? IF OUR NEW ROOKIE CAN COOK, (COSTELLO SEES QUARLES STARING AT MARIA) QUARLES, KEEP LOOKING AT MY DAUGHTER THAT WAY AND INSTEAD OF BEING OUR COOK, YOU’LL BE ON PERMANENT K.P. DUTY.”

QUARLES: “SORRY CAPTAIN, MARIA ARE YOU STAYING FOR LUNCH?”

MARIA” “NO THANK YOU JERRY. I GOTTA RUN DADDY. LOVE YOU.”

COSTELLO: THAT’S ALL YOU STOPPED BY FOR, WAS MY MONEY. YOU’RE MORE LIKE YOUR MOTHER EVERYDAY. REMEMBER, I DIVORCED HER AND I CAN DIVORCE YOU TOO.”

MARIA: “BYE DADDY. PLEASE DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE TUITION.”

(MARIA LEAVES THE OFFICE)

QUARLES: “CAPTAIN, DID I HEAR YOU SAY SOMETHING ABOUT A NEWBIE?”

COSTELLO: “YEAH, WE ARE GETTING A ROOKIE RIGHT OUT OF THE ACADEMY. HE SHOULD BE HERE THIS AFTERNOON. DO ME A FAVOR, AFTER LUNCH, CALL THE ACADEMY AND HAVE HIS RECORDS SENT OVER SO I CAN SEE WHAT WE ARE IN FOR. BESIDES WE HAVE AN INITIATION TO PLAN. CHARLIE MARTIN, SUPPOSEDLY FIRST IN HIS CLASS.”

QUARLES: “WILL DO CAPTAIN. CHICKEN OR BEEF?”

COSTELLO: “MAKE IT CHICKEN, I NEED TO STAY OFF RED MEAT FOR A WHILE. I SWEAR I PUT ON 10 POUNDS EVERYDAY WE WORK BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR MEXICAN FOOD. I HAVE TO SPEND MY TWO DAYS OFF WORKING OUT JUST TO LOSE THE WEIGHT YOUR MEALS PUT ON ME.” DON’T YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE A SALAD?”

QUARLES: “CHICKEN IT IS. AND I’LL THROW SOME LETTUCE ON YOUR BURRITO THAT WAY YOU CAN SAY YOU HAD SOME SALAD.”

(QUARLES WALKS OUT)

(NEXT SCENE – QUARLES ENTERING THE GARAGE WHERE MOROSKI, EMERSON AND JOHNSON ARE WORKING OUT. THEY ARE IN T-SHIRTS AND SHORTS.)

QUARLES: “JOHNSON, CHICKEN OF BEEF BURRITO?”

JOHNSON: “BEEF.”

MOROSKI: “JOHNSON, YOU KNOW EATING SOMETHING OTHER THAN RED MEAT ONCE IN A WHILE WOULDN’T KILL YOU. YOUR BODY IS YOUR TEMPLE, YOU NEED TO TREAT IT RIGHT AND IT WILL TREAT YOU RIGHT.”

JOHNSON: “I KNOW MY BODY’S A TEMPLE, THAT’S WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS PRAYING AT MY KNEES!”

EMERSON: “SO THAT’S WHAT IT’S CALLED NOWADAYS, PRAYING? PERHAPS IF MY EX-WIFE WAS MORE RELIGIOUS I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO DIVORCE HER! MAKE MINE CHICKEN, MAYBE THAT WILL HELP ATTRACT A BIGGER CONGREGATION.”

QUARLES: “BY THE WAY, WE ARE GETTING A NEW OFFICER LATER TODAY, RIGHT OUT OF THE ACADEMY.”

EMERSON: “IT’S ABOUT TIME WE GOT MORE MANPOWER AROUND HERE. SKI, LOOKS LIKE YOU WON’T BE THE YOUNG STUD OF THE SQUAD ANYMORE, THE FIELD TRIP MOTHERS MAY HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE TO GAWK AT.

MOROSKI: “WHO SAYS HE IS AS GOOD LOOKING AS ME?”

QUARLES: “NOBODY. BUT WE WILL FIND OUT WHEN HE SHOWS UP. WORRIED THAT THE KING OF STUDS WILL BE DETHRONED, MOROSKI?”

MOROSKI: “I’LL PUT MY GOOD LOOKS AND BODY UP TO ANY MAN.”

EMERSON: “PUT YOUR BODY NEXT TO ANY MAN? TRADING TEAMS, MOROSKI?”

QUARLES: “I’M NOT SHOWERING WITH HIM ANYMORE.”

MOROSKI: “GO AHEAD, POKE FUN AT ME.”

EMERSON: “NOT ME, BUT, IF YOU PUT YOUR BODY UP TO ANY MAN’S, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU WILL BE DOING THE POKING.”

MOROSKI: “I’M GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER. QUARLES, CALL ME WHEN LUNCH IS READY.”

THE GROUP IS SITTING AROUND THE TABLE EATING LUNCH.

COSTELLO: “HOW DO YOU ALL WANT TO INITITATE CHARLIE? KEEP IN MIND IT NEEDS TO BE LEGAL.”

MOROSKI: “LEGAL? WHAT YOU DID TO ME WASN’T LEGAL! REMEMBER FAKING THE CALL OUT WHILE I WAS IN THE SHOWER. I CAME RUNNING OUT IN NOTHING BUT A TOWEL. YOU SAID MY CLOTHING WAS ON THE TRUCK. I HOPED IN AND YOU DROVE TO THE GROCERY STORE. LEFT ME IN THE TRUCK ALL ALONE WITH NOTHING BUT A TOWEL.”

JOHNSON: “YEAH, THEN WE ROUNDED UP SOME WOMEN AND BROUGHT THEM OVER TO THE TRUCK FOR A LITTLE TOUR.”

EMERSON: “THEN ONE WOMAN SAID THAT WAS THE SHORTEST TOUR SHE HAS EVER SEEN. DID YOU LET THE TOWEL SLIP, MOROSKI?”

CHARLIE WALKS IN THE STATION. ALL OF THE MEN STAND UP AND TRY TO GET TO HER FIRST.

COSTELLO; “DOWN BOYS! GO SIT DOWN, I WILL HELP THE YOUNG LADY. CAPTAIN MOROSKI AT YOUR SERVICE. YOU WILL HAVE TO EXCUSE MY MEN, THEY GET THIS WAY WHEN THEY HAVE BEEN AWAY FROM THEIR WIVES TOO LONG.”

MARTIN: “NICE TO MEET YOU CAPTAIN, I’M MARTIN.” SHE REACHES HER HAND OUT TO SHAKE.

COSTELLO: “MARTIN? YOUR FATHER GAVE YOU A MAN’S NAME? NICE TO MEET YOU MARTIN (BEGINS TO SHAKE HANDS). HOW CAN I HELP YOU, MARTIN?’

MARTIN: “YES MY DAD DID GIVE ME A MAN’S FIRST NAME, BUT IT’S CHARLIE. MY LAST NAME IS MARTIN. MY NAME IS CHARLIE MARTIN, CAPTAIN.”

COSTELLO: (QUICKLY TAKES HIS HAND AWAY) “YOU’RE MY NEW OFFICER? CHARLIE MARTIN?”

MARTIN: “YES CAPTAIN AND I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUT WORKING HERE. I REQUESTED THIS ASSIGNMENT. I WANT TO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL OF THE ACTION. WHERE BETTER TO DO THAT THAN AT THE INFAMOUS “DUECE.”

COSTELLO: “YEAH, WHERE ELSE, BUT THE DUECE? EXCUSE ME CHARLIE, I HAVE A PHONE CALL TO MAKE.” (HE GOES INTO HIS OFFICE)

QUARLES: “WELCOME CHARLIE. SIT DOWN AND I WILL FIX YOU A PLATE.

MOROSKI: “THINGS JUST GOT VERY INTERESTING AROUND HERE.”

JOHNSON: “YEAH, THEY SURE DID. ESCPECIALLY WHEN MY WIFE FINDS OUT ABOUT A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WORKING EATING AND SLEEPING WITH US.”

MOROSKI: “CHARLIE, SIT HERE AND I’LL HELP KEEP THESE SHARKS FROM YOU.”

QUARLES: “CHARLIE BE CAREFUL, HE IS THE GREAT WHITE SHARK OF THE GROUP.”

MARTIN: “WELL GUYS, THANKS FOR THE WARM WELCOME. I LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING WITH YOU ALL.”

MOROSKI: “AND WE LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING AND SLEEPING WITH YOU.”

SCENE CHANGES TO MOROSKI’S OFFICE

MOROSKI: “CHIEF, DO YOU REALIZE CHARLIE MARTIN IS A WOMAN?”

CARVER: “DIDN’T I TELL YOU THAT?”

MOROSKI: “NO AND YOU PURPOSELY DIDN’T. I CAN’T HAVE A WOMAN HERE. WHERE IS SHE GOING TO SLEEP, SHOWER AND USE THE TOILET? I HOPE THE CITY IS READY TO REMODEL THIS PLACE.”

CARVER: “YOU KNOW THERE’S NO MONEY IN THE BUDGET FOR THE DUECE THIS YEAR. MAYBE WE CAN GET SOMETHING DONE NEXT YEAR. I AM SURE YOU CAN FIGURE THE ARRANGEMENTS OUT UNTIL THEN. GIVE HER YOUR BEDROOM, IT’LL BE GOOD FOR YOU TO BUNK WITH YOUR MEN. DON’T LET ME HEAR YOU ARE HAVING HER SLEEP WITH THE MEN. BYE FRANK.”

MOROSKI: “CHIEF, DON’T HANG UP ON ME. (PHONE GOES DEAD) THAT S.O.B. SET ME UP. WELL SHE CAN SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN FOR ALL I CARE.”

MOROSKI GOES BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AREA.

MOROSKI: “QUARLES, AFTER DINNER TONIGHT PUT SOME BED SHEETS ON THE COUCH AND GIVE MARTIN A PILLOW.”

MARTIN: “IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH THE SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS?”

MOROSKI: “NO NOT AT ALL. YOU CAN CHOOSE BETWEEN THE COUCH AND THE KITCHEN TABLE.”

MARTIN: “I DON’T UNDERSTAND, WHY THE COUCH?”

MOROSKI: “THIS PLACE WAS BUILT BEFORE I WAS BORN. THERE ARE ONLY TWO BEDROOMS, ONE FOR THE OFFICERS AND THE OTHER FOR ME! SO UNLESS YOU WANT TO BED DOWN WITH ME OR A GROUP OF MEN TONIGHT, I SUGGEST YOU SLEEP ON THE COUCH. HEY, QUARLES, MARTIN IS GETTING THE COUCH, SO YOU CAN’T SIT IN THEIR TALKING TO YOUR WIFE ALL NIGHT.”

CALL COMES IN REFERENCE A VEHICLE ACCIDENT WITH INJURIES. THE SQUAD RESPONDS.

UPON RETURN TO THE STATION EVERYONE WANTS TO TAKE A SHOWER. EMERSON AND MOROSKI JUMP IN THE SHOWER FIRST. QUARLES GETS ON THE PHONE WITH HIS WIFE, COSTELLO GOES TO HIS OFFICE AND JOHNSON GOES IN THE BEDROOM.

MARTIN IS STANDING AROUND LOST. FINALLY JOHNSON COMES OUT INTO THE ROOM AND APPROACHES MARTIN.

JOHNSON: “I’M SORRY, I GUESS WE KIND OF LEFT YOU OUT HERE ALONE.”

MARTIN: “I WASN’T ALONE, QUARLES IS HERE.”

JOHNSON: WHEN YOU ARE WITH QUARLES YOU ARE ALONE. HE IS ALWAYS ON THE PHONE WITH HIS WIFE. HEN-PECKED HE IS.”

MARTIN: “MAYBE HE JUST LOVES HER? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASSUME HE’S HEN-PECKED?”

JOHNSON: “YES, I GUESS THAT WHAT WOMEN CALL BEING HEN-PECKED, BEING IN LOVE. I JUST REALIZED WE HAVEN’T EVEN HAD TIME TO SHOW YOU AROUND. I AM GOING TO GET A DRINK. WHY DON’T YOU GO THROUGH THAT DOOR AND TURN RIGHT. FOLLOW THE HALLWAY TO OUR OTHER SQUAD ROOM, AND I WILL MEET YOU THERE AND GIVE YOU THE FULL TOUR.”

MARTIN: “GREAT, THANKS.”

LITTLE DOES MARTIN KNOW, THERE IS NO OTHER SQUAD ROOM. JOHNSON SET HER UP AS SHE IS HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE SHOWERS WHERE AT LEAST MOROSKI WILL STILL BE. HE TAKES THIRTY MINUTE SHOWERS.

JOHNSON CALLS FOR COSTELLO SO HE CAN WATCH MARTIN’S EXPRESSION WHEN SHE RETURNS.

THEY HEAR MARTIN YELL: “EXCUSE ME LT., BUT I THINK I’VE BEEN SET UP. BY THE WAY LT., I SEE RANK HAS IT’S PRIVILEGES.”

MARTIN RETURNS AND SAYS: “NICE JOB JOHNSON. SEND SOMEBODY IN THERE WHEN I’M SHOWERING WILL COST YOU A TESTICLE!”

EMERSON COMES OUT IN A TOWEL: “WHO SHOULD I THANK FOR SENDING MARTIN IN WITH ME? IT GAVE HER A CHANCE TO SEE THE REAL ME.”

JOHNSON: “YOU CAN THANK ME. I KNOW YOU’RE AN EXHIBITIONIST AT HEART.”

MARTIN: “WELL, HE PUTS ON A GREAT EXHIBIT.”

EMERSON: “THANKS MARTIN. THE SHOWER IS ALL YOURS NOW. I WILL STAND GUARD AND KEEP THESE PERVERTS FROM SNEAKING A PEEK.”

MARTIN: “THANKS, BUT HOW ABOUT PUTTING SOME CLOTHING ON FIRST. OTHERWISE THAT TOWEL MIGHT RISE UP ON YOU THINKING ABOUT ME IN THERE SCRUBBING UP.”

COSTELLO: “OKAY, ENOUGH OF THE SEXUAL INNUENDOS. MARTIN SHOWER UP, BOYS GET YOUR REPORTS DONE.”

A SHORT TIME LATER:

QUARLES: “IS SHE STILL IN THERE? I GOTTA GO NOW! I CAN’T HOLD IT MUCH LONGER.”

JOHNSON: “WELL NOBODY ELSE AROUND HERE IS GOING TO HOLD IT FOR YOU.”

QUARLES: “VERY FUNNY. IF SHE DOESN’T GET OUT OF THERE IN THE NEXT MINUTE, I’M GONNA WET MYSELF.”

JOHNSON: “IF YOU DO, CAN I CALL YOU A WETBACK?”

QUARLES: “VERY FUNNY. I CAN’T WAIT ANY LONGER. I’M TAKING THE ENGINE TRUCK TO THE LIBRARY. THEY HAVE A NICE BATHROOM OVER THERE.”

JOHNSON: “BETTER NOT LET THE CAPTAIN FIND OUT.”

QUARLES: “IF HE ASKS WHERE I WENT, TELL HIM IT WAS TO GET SOME GROCERIES. I’M PICKING UP THE CHERRIES HE LOVES.”

JOHNSON: “I THOUGHT HE SAID HE WAS TOO OLD TO BE CHASING THE YOUNG ONES!”

QUARLES LEAVES IN THE TRUCK. COSTELLO COMES OUT AND ASKS FOR QUARLES.

JOHNSON: “HE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU HE TOOK THE ENGINE TO GET YOU SOME CHERRIES.”

COSTELLO: “OKAY, BUT WHAT IS HE REALLY DOING?”

JOHNSON: “HE’S MAKING A DONATION AT THE LIBRARY.”

MARTIN HEARS THE CONVERSATION AS SHE COMES OUT DRESSED IN THE CASUAL FIRE FIGHTER’S UNIFORM, A TIGHT “T” SHIRT AND TIGHT BLUE PANTS.

MARTIN: “YOU KNOW MORE PEOPLE SHOULD DONATE MONEY TO THE LIBRARY. I THINK I WILL MAKE A DONATION MYSELF.”

JOHNSON: “THAT’S NICE CHARLIE, MAYBE YOU CAN MATCH WHAT QUARLES IS GIVING THEM.”

MARTIN: “I DON’T KNOW, I’M STILL WAITING FOR MY FIRST PAYCHECK. MAYBE I CAN MATCH IT LATER.”

JOHNSON: “VERY GOOD. JUST ASK QUARLES HOW MUCH HE GAVE WHEN HE RETURNS, SO YOU WILL KNOW HOW MUCH TO SAVE UP.”

MARTIN: “THANKS JOHNSON, I’LL DO THAT.”

JOHNSON: “MAYBE YOU MISUNDERSTOOD, IT WASN’T DO, IT WAS NUMBER ONE.”

MARTIN: “I DON’T GET WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.” MARTIN WALKS AWAY.

COSTELLO CALLS MARTIN INTO HIS OFFICE.

COSTELLO: “MARTIN, YOU DID A FINE JOB AT THE CRASH.”

MARTIN: “THANKS CAPTAIN, BUT I WAS KEPT OUT OF THE WAY.”

COSTELLO: “YES YOU WERE, AND YOU DID A FINE JOB STANDING THERE AWAY FROM THE SCENE. LISTEN MARTIN, WHAT YOU LEARNED AT THE ACADEMY IS GREAT. BUT NOT ALL OF IT IS REAL. NOW IT’S TIME TO LEARN HOW TO REALLY DO THE JOB. YOU WILL WATCH, LISTEN AND LEARN FROM THE OTHERS. IN TIME YOU CAN DO MORE THEN WATCH.” ALSO, I AM GIVING YOU MY ROOM. GO GET YOUR STUFF AND BRING IT IN HERE.”

MARTIN: “CAPTAIN, I”

COSTELLO: “MARTIN, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY, I CAN HANDLE IT ALL NOW. BUT YOU CAN’T. THERE IS NO ARGUING THIS POINT.”

MARTIN: “NO CAPTAIN, I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU THAT I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN FROM YOU AND THE OTHER MEN HERE.”

COSTELLO: “OH, SORRY.

MARTIN: “THAT’S OKAY, SIR.”

COSTELLO: “LISTEN, IT’S OBVIOUS THAT YOU ARE A VERY ATTRACTIVE, YOUNG WOMAN AND WE HAVE A FEW SINGLE MEN HERE WHOM I NEED TO BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE ON GETTING THE JOB DONE.

MARTIN: “CAPTAIN, I CAN ASSURE YOU I AM HERE TO WORK. I HAVE NO INTEREST IN HAVING A REALTIONSHIP WITH ANY CO-WORKER.”

COSTELLO: “THAT’S NICE, BUT THESE MEN HAVE THE SEXUAL SELF-CONTROL OF RABBITS IN SPRINGTIME.”

MARTIN: “YES SIR. I WILL TRY TO KEEP THEM IN CHECK.”

COSTELLO: “THANK YOU. NOW GET YOUR BAGS READY. I'LL BE OUT OF HERE IN A FEW MINUTES."